Time-outs vs. time-ins: what works, and how to do either one well

Both can work. A time-out is a brief, calm break from attention after a behavior, usually a minute or so per year of age, and the evidence suggests it isn't harmful when used that way. A time-in means staying close to an upset child and helping them calm down before you talk about what happened. Younger toddlers and children in full meltdown usually do better with a time-in. Older kids who are calm enough to understand a rule may respond well to a short time-out.

Are time-outs harmful?

You may have read online that time-outs damage attachment. In 2019, Mark Dadds and Lucy Tully took that claim seriously and reviewed the evidence in American Psychologist. They found no good evidence that time-out, used appropriately within a warm relationship, harms children's emotional well-being or attachment. They also pointed out that time-out is part of several well-tested parenting programs that help kids with serious behavior problems.

The key words there are "used appropriately." Time-out turns harmful when it becomes long isolation, includes yelling or shaming, is locked in a dark room, or is the main thing a child gets from their parents.

The American Academy of Pediatrics' policy on discipline lists time-outs among effective alternatives to physical punishment and harsh words.

How do you do a time-out well?

Pick only one or two behaviors to use it for, like hitting. Explain the plan ahead of time when everyone's calm. When the behavior happens, say it simply, once: "You hit. That's a time-out." Then guide your child to a boring, safe spot nearby, not a frightening one. Keep it short. A common rule of thumb is one minute per year of age, and shorter is fine.

Skip the lecture while they're sitting there, and when the time is up, let it be over, with a warm welcome back and help getting into play again. Alan Kazdin of Yale, whose parent-training programs have been tested for decades, makes the point that the rest of the day carries much more weight than the time-out itself, and that plenty of attention and specific praise for the behavior you want is what actually shifts behavior over time.

What is a time-in?

With a time-in, you don't send your child anywhere. Your child is flooded, so you sit nearby, keep your voice low and even, and ride it out together ("You're so mad. I'm right here"). Talking about what happened, and what to try next time, waits until they've settled.

Time-in works well for toddlers, who can't yet understand why they're being sent away, and for children whose behavior is really a flood of emotion rather than a choice. It builds the skill of calming down with help before a child can do it alone.

How do I choose in the moment?

Ask yourself: is my child too upset to think right now? If yes, help them calm first, which is a time-in. If they're calm and testing a known limit, a short time-out can make the limit clear. Many families use both, at different moments. Neither replaces the main ingredient, which is a warm relationship with plenty of positive attention.

Frequently asked questions

What if my child won't stay in time-out?

For young children, you can sit nearby or move to holding a time-in. Avoid physical struggles. Some programs use a backup like losing a privilege for older children.

At what age can I start time-outs?

Many experts suggest waiting until about age 2 or older, when a child can begin to connect the behavior with the break.

Is sending a teen to their room the same thing?

Teens benefit more from calm conversations, logical consequences and cooling-off time chosen together. Read our guide on discipline without fear.