Sextortion and online safety: what every parent should say before it happens

Nobody wants to read about this. I get it. But the talk you have now, on a boring weeknight before anything's gone wrong, is the one that counts later.

Here's what sextortion is. Someone online tricks or pushes a young person into sending a sexual photo or video, then threatens to post it unless the kid pays up or sends more. When it's about money, the FBI calls it financially motivated sextortion, and the kids it hits most are boys around 14 to 17, though any child can be a target. It's fast, too. Often the threats begin within minutes of that first picture.

How it usually goes

According to the FBI, the predator often poses as someone else, frequently a girl around the victim's age. They're friendly and flattering, and they may ask to move to another app or a video call. Sometimes they send an explicit image first to get one back. Then the tone flips.

Suddenly there are threats to send the picture to the kid's family, friends, followers or school. Sometimes they send screenshots of the kid's own follower list to prove they can. Some even make fake news headlines or mock-up posts to scare the child. They demand gift cards, payment apps, wire transfers or crypto. And the FBI notes they sometimes share the images even when the kid pays.

The FBI also reports something every parent should hear plainly: there have been an alarming number of suicides among boys targeted by these schemes. That is why the fear and shame part is the real danger. These criminals get their power from a kid believing they're completely alone.

The one message your child needs

Before you get into apps and settings, make sure your kid has heard this from you, out loud:

If anyone ever threatens you with a picture or video, even if you sent it, even if you broke a rule to do it, come to me. You won't be in trouble. I'll help you, and we'll fix it together. It's never too late to tell me.

The FBI says it directly: let them know your first move will be to help, always. Say it more than once. Say it in the car, at random. Kids under threat often think, "My parents would kill me." You want them to think, "My mom said she'd help."

What to teach, in plain language

The FBI's own guidance for young people boils down to a few points you can share:

• People can pretend to be anyone online. Photos and video aren't proof.
• Be wary of anyone you've only met online, especially if they push to switch apps.
• Nothing really disappears, whatever the app says.
• Keep accounts private, so strangers can't map out your friends and family.
• If someone threatens you, stop responding and get help before you send money or anything else.

You don't need to be graphic. With a younger tween you can stay simple: "Some people online lie about who they are to trick kids into sending pictures. If anyone asks you for photos of your body, tell me. It's not your fault." With an older teen you can be more direct about how the scam works, since knowing the script is protective.

If it happens: what to do

Stay calm. Your kid is watching your face. Then work through the FBI and NCMEC steps:

1. Don't pay, and don't send anything else. The FBI says cooperating rarely stops the blackmail.
2. Don't delete the account or messages. Take screenshots, then report the account on the platform and block it. The saved messages help investigators.
3. Report it. Contact your local FBI field office, call 1-800-CALL-FBI, or report at tips.fbi.gov. You can also report to NCMEC's CyberTipline.
4. Get images taken down. NCMEC's free Take It Down service helps remove explicit images of people under 18. The FBI warns families to avoid for-profit companies that charge victims for this.
5. Look after your child. Tell them, more than once, that they're the victim of a crime and that this isn't their fault. Watch their mood in the days after. If you're worried about their safety, call or text 988.

Everyday protection

The FBI suggests a few habits that help: reviewing privacy settings together, spot-checking apps as part of an open conversation, and keeping devices out of bedrooms overnight. Our first phone guide has an agreement that bakes some of this in.

But settings only go so far. The protection that actually holds up is a kid who knows, deep down, that bringing you the worst thing that ever happened to them online will make it better, not worse. That's what a secure base looks like in a teenager's life. Build it now, while things are calm.

Frequently asked questions

What age should I talk to my kids about sextortion?

Once they're online with messaging or social apps, often around the tween years. Keep it simple for younger kids and more direct for teens.

Will paying make the threats stop?

The FBI says paying rarely stops it and often leads to more demands. Stop responding and report it.

Can images really be removed?

NCMEC's free Take It Down service helps remove explicit images of people under 18 from participating platforms. Avoid companies that charge for this.