Consent, dating and the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship

Your kid's phone buzzes and they grin at it in a way you've never seen. First crush, maybe, or a month of "are they or aren't they." Sweet, and if you're like most of us, a bit terrifying, especially once you've seen the CDC's survey numbers on teen dating violence below. Roughly one high schooler in ten reported being physically hurt on purpose by someone they were dating in 2023.

Dating is where everything you've said about respect and boundaries gets tried out for real, without you there. So the talking happens before, and keeps happening.

Why this matters

The CDC notes that teens often think behaviors like teasing and name-calling are a normal part of a relationship, even though those can turn abusive. Many don't report unhealthy behavior because they're afraid to tell family and friends.

The numbers aren't small. In the CDC's 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, as summarized by the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 10.4% of high school students reported physical dating violence in the past year, and 5.9% reported sexual dating violence. Girls reported sexual dating violence at more than three times the rate of boys, 9.3% compared with 2.9%. Physical dating violence was reported by both boys and girls.

That's a lot of kids, and many of them told no one.

Consent starts way before dating

Consent sounds like a teen topic, but it really starts in the toddler years. "Stop means stop" during tickle fights. Letting kids decide whether to hug Grandma or wave instead. Knocking on a closed door. All of that teaches the same idea: your body is yours, and other people's bodies are theirs.

By the teen years, you can be more direct. Consent means a clear, freely given yes. It can be taken back any time. Someone who is drunk, high, asleep or pressured can't give it. And silence isn't a yes. Say it plainly, and say it to sons and daughters alike, since both need to hear it from both sides.

What healthy looks like

It's easier for teens to spot a bad relationship if they have a clear picture of a good one. Healthy relationships usually include:

• Feeling relaxed and like yourself around the other person.
• Both people having their own friends and interests.
• Disagreements that get talked through, not punished.
• Respect for "no," whether it's about physical stuff, plans or photos.
• Trust, without demands for passwords or constant check-ins.

The biggest model they have is the one at home. How you and your partner, or you and your co-parent, handle conflict teaches more than any talk. Love Pinnacle is our sister site on adult relationships if you want to work on that side too.

Warning signs to name out loud

Teens may not recognize control when it's wrapped up in affection. Help them notice things like:

• Jealousy framed as love. "I just care about you so much."
• Constant texting, needing to know where you are all the time.
• Pressure to share passwords, location or photos.
• Putting you down, even "jokingly," or making you feel crazy.
• Isolating you from friends or family.
• Pushing physically, sexually or emotionally after you say no.
• Threats, including threats to hurt themselves if you leave.

One question that tends to land: "Would you be OK with someone treating your best friend like that?" Teens see it a lot more clearly when it's somebody else's relationship.

How to talk so they keep talking

Lecture a teen about their love life and you'll watch the shutters come down in real time. It goes better if you borrow from whatever's around: a song, a show, some friend's drama. "That guy in the show kept checking her phone. What did you think about that?" Those side-door conversations often go further than a sit-down talk.

When your teen does share something, stay calm. If you jump straight to banning the relationship, they're likely to go quiet, and sometimes closer to the person. Joseph Allen's research on adolescents found that warm, secure parent-teen relationships go along with better social skills, and that's exactly what you want here: a teen who comes home and says, "Something felt off tonight."

If you think something's wrong

Believe them, and tell them it's not their fault. Ask what they want to happen and help them make a safety plan. Avoid ultimatums. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard at any age.

You don't have to handle it alone. love is respect, run by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, offers free, confidential support for teens and for parents by phone, text and chat. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Frequently asked questions

What age should I start talking about consent?

Early. Toddlers can learn that "stop" means stop and that they can choose how to greet relatives. The conversation just gets more detailed as they grow.

What if my teen is in a controlling relationship?

Believe them, stay calm, and help them make a safety plan. Ultimatums tend to backfire. love is respect can help you both figure out next steps.

How do I talk about consent without it being awkward?

Use shows, songs, or a friend's story as a way in. Short talks in the car usually go better than one big sit-down.