Toddler tantrums: what is going on inside, and what actually helps

If you have a two-year-old, you have probably had the experience of watching a perfectly pleasant child dissolve on the supermarket floor over the wrong color cup. It is one of the most humbling moments in parenting. It is also very normal.

In a large study of Chicago-area families published in 2012, Lauren Wakschlag and her team found that most preschoolers had tantrums, and that occasional tantrums were common enough to count as normal behavior at that age. Daily, very long, or very destructive tantrums were the ones worth flagging to a doctor.

The shape of a tantrum

Michael Potegal, a researcher at the University of Minnesota, spent years analyzing audio recordings of toddler tantrums that parents captured at home. His team found that anger and sadness tend to run on parallel tracks. Yelling, kicking, and throwing peak early, often in the first minute. Whining, crying, and comfort-seeking rise more slowly and linger toward the end.

This matters because it tells you what to do and when. During the anger peak, almost nothing you say gets through. Reasoning, bargaining, and threats mostly add fuel. Once the anger crests and the sad part begins, the child is far more open to comfort.

During the storm

Keep them safe and keep yourself quiet. Move breakables, steer them away from the road, and otherwise say very little. A calm, low voice and a few words ("I'm here. You're safe.") are plenty.

Don't give in to the thing that started it. If the tantrum was about wanting a cookie before dinner, handing over the cookie teaches that tantrums get cookies. Stay kind but hold the line.

Wait for the turn. You will usually notice the shift. The screaming softens into crying, and they may reach for you or crawl closer. That is the moment to pick them up or offer a hug.

After the storm

Once they have calmed down, a very short debrief helps from about age three: "You were so mad that we had to leave the park. Next time you can stomp your feet and say 'I'm mad!'" Then move on. Long post-mortems tend to backfire with little ones.

Preventing the ones you can

Many tantrums are predictable. They cluster around hunger, tiredness, transitions, and moments when a child feels they have no control. A snack in your bag, a five-minute warning before leaving, and small choices ("Do you want to walk to the car or hop like a bunny?") take care of a surprising number of them. Bedtime is a big one: a predictable wind-down, like a bath, a story and a cuddle, gives a tired toddler fewer surprises to fight. Some families like a personalized story from SlumberTales as the calm last step.

It also helps to know what is developmentally typical. The CDC milestone checklists note that at two, children are only beginning to use two-word phrases. A toddler who wants something badly and cannot explain it is under real pressure. Language helps here, and it is one reason tantrums usually ease as speech develops.

When to check in with your pediatrician

Talk to your child's doctor if tantrums regularly last more than about 25 minutes, happen many times a day, involve hurting themselves or others, or keep going strong well past age five. These are not signs that you have failed. They are signs that a professional view could help.

For the bigger picture on limits and consequences, read discipline without fear. And if you have started to dread the meltdowns, our piece on emotion coaching has more on building the skills that make tantrums less frequent over time.

Frequently asked questions

Should I ignore a tantrum?

Stay close and calm, but say little during the angry peak. Don't ignore hitting, biting or anything unsafe.

Are tantrums at age 4 or 5 normal?

They usually ease after age 3, but occasional tantrums at 4 or 5 are still common. Very frequent or intense ones are worth a chat with your doctor.

How do I handle tantrums in public?

Move somewhere quieter if you can, keep your voice low, and wait it out. Most people watching have been there.