How to talk to your teen about sex (without either of you dying of embarrassment)

Talk early, talk often, and say more than "be careful." Teens whose parents talk with them openly about sex tend to make safer choices, and there's no good evidence that these conversations make them start having sex sooner. Share your family's values, give them the facts about consent, contraception and sexually transmitted infections, and make it clear that they can come to you with anything, including the awkward stuff.

Does talking about sex really make a difference?

It does, measurably. A 2016 meta-analysis in JAMA Pediatrics, led by Laura Widman, pooled 52 studies covering more than 25,000 teens. Teens who had talked with their parents about sex used condoms and contraception more often. The effect was stronger for girls and when mothers did the talking, which is a nudge to dads to step up.

As for the worry that talking about it gives teens ideas, research on sex education points the other way. A review by Douglas Kirby found that comprehensive sex education programs did not increase sexual activity, and many delayed it or increased condom and contraceptive use.

How do I start without making it weird?

It's going to be a little weird. Accept that and go anyway.

Use openings that come up naturally: a storyline in a show, a news story, a friend's pregnancy, a question about a song lyric. "What did you think about how that guy treated her?" is a way in that doesn't put your teen on the spot.

Side-by-side is easier than face-to-face. Car rides, walks, cooking together. Keep it short. You can always say, "Let's talk more about this another time," and mean it.

If you're nervous, say so. "I'm a bit awkward about this, but it matters to me, so bear with me" makes you more human, not less credible.

What should we actually talk about?

Values. What you believe about sex, relationships and readiness, and why. Teens can hear your values even if they don't share them all.

Consent. That both people must freely agree, that anyone can change their mind at any time, that someone who is drunk or asleep can't consent, and that pressure isn't consent. Our article on consent and healthy relationships goes deeper.

Contraception and STIs. How pregnancy happens, how different methods work, that condoms are the only method that also protects against most STIs, and where to get them. The CDC's contraception pages are a solid, plain reference.

Healthy relationships. Respect, trust, jealousy, control, and what to do if something feels wrong.

Online stuff. Sexting, pornography and sextortion. Teens need to know that images can be shared, and that if anyone threatens them, they can come to you without getting in trouble. See our guide to online safety and sextortion.

How do I keep the door open?

React calmly to questions, even surprising ones. If you overreact, they'll stop asking you and ask the internet instead. Thank them for coming to you. And make sure they have private time with their doctor at checkups; the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends some confidential time with teens so they can ask questions they may not want to ask in front of a parent.

Frequently asked questions

What if my values are about waiting?

Say so, and explain why. You can share your values and still make sure your teen has accurate information about protection, because information is what keeps them safe whatever they decide.

What if my teen is LGBTQ+?

The same principles apply: love, safety, accurate information about their health and relationships, and a parent they can come to. Teens who feel accepted at home tend to do better.

My teen says "I already know all this." What now?

Maybe they do. Ask what they've heard, and fill in gaps or correct myths. Keep it brief and leave the door open.