How to listen so your kids actually keep talking to you

Most of us have done some version of this. "How was school?" "Fine." "What'd you do?" "Nothing." Easy to decide your kid is being difficult. Usually they're just wiped out, and the question is way too big.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish put out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk in 1980. They'd spent years running parent workshops with the child psychologist Haim Ginott, and the book's been in print for more than four decades since. Why? The stuff works on an ordinary Tuesday. Their big idea is pretty simple. Kids keep talking to grown-ups who make them feel heard. Around grown-ups who rush in to fix, judge or correct, they clam up.

The four reflexes that end conversations

Say your kid comes in with, "Mrs. Patel is so unfair. She gave the whole class extra homework because of two kids."

Here's what usually shuts it down:

• Denial: "Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad."
• Advice: "Well, just get it done quickly and you'll have time to play."
• Philosophy: "Life isn't always fair, sweetheart."
• Defending the other side: "She probably had a good reason."

Nobody's being cruel here. Some of it's even true. Still, every one of these says, more or less, "wrong feeling, kid." Hear that enough and they quit bringing feelings to you.

What to do instead

So what do you say about Mrs. Patel instead? Less than you'd think. Faber and Mazlish start with attention: stop chopping onions, set the phone down, turn toward the kid. Then they want you to mostly grunt, in a supportive way. "Oh." "Hmm." "Seriously?" Nine times out of ten there's a second, bigger complaint hiding behind the first one, and you'll only hear it if you leave a gap. Once it's all out, a short line that names the feeling goes a long way, like "Ugh, that's so annoying when you weren't even talking." Notice you haven't said the teacher was wrong. Then there's my favorite, granting in fantasy what you can't grant in real life. "Man, what if homework had a magic filter and only the talkers got it?" It's a little silly. Kids love it anyway.

Better openers

Big general questions tend to get small answers. Narrow, specific ones work better:

• "Who did you sit with at lunch?"
• "What was the funniest thing that happened today?"
• "Was anyone in trouble?" (Kids love reporting on this.)
• "What's something you wish had gone differently?"

Timing matters too. Many children talk most when you are side by side rather than face to face: in the car, washing dishes, walking the dog. Eye contact can feel like an interrogation. Those car rides get even more important once your teen is the one driving, which is why we wrote a whole piece on the car keys talk, from phones to the no-questions-asked ride home.

Why it pays off later

The real payoff often arrives in the teen years. In a well-known 2000 study of Swedish teenagers, Margaret Kerr and Håkan Stattin found that what parents knew about their kids' lives came mostly from what the teens chose to tell them, not from parental tracking or rules. Teens disclose to parents they expect to react calmly.

So every unremarkable conversation you have with a seven-year-old about lunch-table politics is practice for the conversations you'll want to have when they're fifteen. If you want to go deeper on feelings specifically, read our guide to emotion coaching, which builds on John Gottman's research. And for some lighter reading on the things parents have always said, good and bad, As My Mother Always Said collects the classics.

Frequently asked questions

What if my child never wants to talk?

Try side-by-side time, like driving or cooking, and specific questions. Some kids need a while to decompress after school before they're ready.

Is it okay to give advice?

Sure, eventually. Listen first. Kids are more open to advice once they feel heard, and sometimes they solve it themselves.

How do I listen when I'm busy?

Be honest: "I want to hear this. Give me five minutes to finish." Then come back and give them your full attention.