The puberty talk: what to say, and when to start

Start the puberty conversation around age 8 or 9, before the changes begin, and think of it as many short chats rather than one big talk. Kids who know ahead of time about periods, wet dreams, body hair, growth spurts and mood swings tend to meet those changes with curiosity instead of panic. You don't need to be an expert. You need to be calm, honest and willing to come back to it.

When does puberty start?

Earlier than many parents expect. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, puberty usually begins between ages 8 and 13 in girls and 9 and 14 in boys. The first sign in girls is usually breast budding; in boys it's usually growth of the testicles. Periods tend to come a couple of years after breasts start developing.

That means some third and fourth graders are already changing. A girl who gets her first period at 10 without knowing what it is can be really frightened. The point of an early talk is that nobody gets blindsided.

How do I start the conversation?

Look for natural openings. A younger sibling's question, a scene on TV, a pack of pads in the grocery cart, a friend's growth spurt. "Have you noticed how much taller Sam's gotten? That's puberty starting. Do you know what that is?"

Car rides are good for this. Nobody has to make eye contact, and the conversation has a built-in ending.

A good book helps too. Read it first yourself, then give it to your child, and offer to read it together or answer questions. Many kids prefer to read privately and ask later.

What should I cover?

For all kids, regardless of gender: growth spurts, body hair, sweat and body odor (and deodorant), acne, voice changes, mood swings, and that bodies change at different speeds. Teach both girls and boys about periods and about erections and wet dreams, so nobody mocks what they don't understand.

Use the correct names: vulva, vagina, penis, testicles, breasts. Accurate words signal that bodies aren't shameful and make it easier for kids to ask questions, or to tell you if something's wrong.

For girls, be practical about periods: what pads and tampons look like, how to use them, what to keep in a backpack, and what to do if it starts at school. For boys, explain that erections can happen at random times and that wet dreams are normal and nothing to be embarrassed about.

How does this connect to bigger talks about sex and relationships?

Puberty talks are a natural start to conversations about sex, consent and relationships, which kids need before they're teens. A 2016 meta-analysis led by Laura Widman found that teens who talk with their parents about sex tend to have safer sexual behavior. Starting with puberty makes the later topics less awkward for everyone. See our guides on talking to teens about sex and consent and healthy relationships.

When should I check with a doctor?

Ask your pediatrician if you notice signs of puberty before age 8 in a girl or 9 in a boy, if there are no signs by 13 in a girl or 14 in a boy, or if periods haven't started by about 15. Also check in if your child seems very distressed about their changing body, or if you're worried about their eating or mood.

Frequently asked questions

My child seems embarrassed and won't talk. What do I do?

Keep it brief and low-key, leave a good book in their room and let them know they can ask anytime. Sometimes kids prefer to text a question.

Should the same-gender parent handle this?

Not necessarily. Any trusted adult can do it, and it's useful for kids to hear from both parents if possible.

Is it normal for my tween to be moody all of a sudden?

Yes, hormonal changes and big social changes make moodiness common. If sadness, irritability or withdrawal lasts for weeks, talk to your pediatrician.