Bullying and cyberbullying: what to do when your kid is the target, or the bully

Your kid gets in the car and doesn't say anything. They've stopped wanting to go to practice. There's a group chat they suddenly won't open in front of you. Or maybe you got a call from school and heard a sentence you never expected: your child has been picking on someone.

Both are hard. Both are common. And in both cases the most useful thing you can be is steady.

How common it is

The federal site StopBullying.gov pulls together the national numbers. About 19.2% of students ages 12 to 18 said they were bullied during the 2021-22 school year. It's worse in middle school, at 26.3%, than in high school, at 15.7%. About 16% of high schoolers were bullied electronically in the past year, and girls reported it nearly twice as often as boys, 21% versus 12%.

Here's the stat that should stick with parents, though: only about 44.2% of bullied students told an adult at school. Most kids keep it to themselves.

It's also worth knowing what bullying actually is. The federal definition has three parts: unwanted aggressive behavior, a real or perceived power imbalance, and repetition (or a strong chance of it). One mean comment is awful, but it's not the same thing as a pattern.

Signs your child might be a target

Kids often don't say it outright. Watch for things like:

• Not wanting to go to school, the bus, or an activity they used to love.
• Stomachaches or headaches, especially on school mornings.
• Lost or damaged belongings.
• Seeming upset after being online or on their phone.
• Pulling away from friends, or suddenly having none.
• Changes in sleep, appetite or mood.

None of these prove bullying, but they're worth a gentle question.

If your child is the target

The first thing is the hardest: listen, and believe them, before you start fixing. Something like "That sounds awful. I'm really glad you told me" buys you the rest of the story. Ask how long it's been going on and let them tell it in their own order, even if it rambles.

Try not to slip into blame, either. "What did you do to them?" and "Just ignore it" both come from a good place, but kids hear one of two things, that it's their fault or that it doesn't matter.

Then figure out a plan together. Some kids want you on the phone with the principal tonight. Others are scared stiff it'll make things worse. Take that seriously, up to a point. If they're in danger, or it just isn't stopping, you'll have to step in regardless, and it's fair to tell them so up front.

Write things down. Dates, what happened, who was there. For online bullying, take screenshots before anything gets deleted. Then report the account on the platform. The Surgeon General's advisory tells kids not to keep cyberbullying secret and asks parents to report it.

Go to the school. Every state has anti-bullying laws, according to StopBullying.gov, and when bullying is also harassment at school, schools have a legal obligation to respond. Ask for a meeting, bring your notes, and ask what the plan is and when you'll hear back.

Protect what they love. StopBullying.gov notes that adults can help by encouraging kids to do what they love. A friend outside school, a team, a club, an art class, anything where they feel competent and liked is a real buffer.

If your child is the one bullying

This one stings, and it's tempting to get defensive. Try not to. StopBullying.gov says there's no single profile of a kid who bullies. They can be popular or on the margins, and some are being bullied themselves.

Stay calm and get the facts. Ask your child what happened. Listen for what's going on underneath: wanting to fit in, anger at home, being hurt by someone else.

Be clear that it stops. "I love you, and this isn't OK. We're going to fix it." Warmth and firmness together.

Help them repair. That might mean an apology (a real one, not a forced mumble), losing a privilege tied to the behavior, like phone time if it happened online, and making things right where they can.

Build empathy. Ask them how they'd feel if it happened to them or a sibling. Talk about bystanders, too. StopBullying.gov notes that people who see bullying can make a huge difference when they step in.

Look at your own house. How do adults handle conflict at home? Kids learn power from what they see. Our piece on discipline without fear has more on limits that teach.

A word about bullying and suicide

You may have seen headlines connecting the two. StopBullying.gov is careful here: the relationship is complex, the vast majority of bullied kids don't become suicidal, and most young people who die by suicide have several risk factors. Persistent bullying can deepen isolation, depression and anxiety, though, so take it seriously. If your child talks about hopelessness or not wanting to be here, call or text 988 any time. Our guide to mental health warning signs covers what to look for.

Frequently asked questions

Should I contact the other child's parents?

Often it's better to go through the school first. Parent-to-parent conversations can turn heated fast, and the school has a duty to respond.

What if the school isn't doing anything?

Put your concerns in writing, ask what the plan is and when you'll hear back, and go up the chain to the principal or district if it keeps happening.

Should I take away my child's phone if they're bullied online?

Usually not as a first move. Kids may stop telling you if they think they'll lose the phone. Block, report and document together instead.