How to praise kids so it builds effort, not pressure

The praise that helps children most is specific and about what they did: their effort, their strategy, their progress. "You kept trying different ways until the puzzle fit" teaches something. "You're so smart" mostly teaches a label, and research suggests kids who are praised for being smart can become more cautious, because the next hard problem might prove the label wrong.

What did the famous praise study actually find?

In 1998, Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck ran a series of experiments with fifth graders. Children worked on a set of problems and then got one of two kinds of praise. Some heard "You must be smart at these problems." Others heard "You must have worked hard at these problems."

The results were striking. When offered a choice of what to do next, kids praised for intelligence were more likely to choose easier problems they knew they could do well. After a round of hard problems, they enjoyed the task less, persisted less and performed worse. The kids praised for effort tended to choose challenges and held up better after failure. A few in the intelligence group even misreported their scores when describing them to other children.

That study launched Dweck's broader work on "growth mindset," the belief that abilities grow with effort. Mindset research has had mixed results when turned into big school programs, but the praise findings have held up well as practical advice for parents.

Does this start younger than school?

It seems to. Elizabeth Gunderson and colleagues recorded parents at home with their toddlers. They found that the share of praise focused on children's effort and actions ("You worked hard on that," "Good throwing") predicted, five years later, whether children believed ability can be developed and preferred challenging tasks. The amount of praise didn't matter. The kind did.

What should I say instead of "You're so smart"?

Describe, then name the effort or strategy. A few examples that sound like actual parents:

"You read that whole chapter without asking for help. You sounded out the long words."

"Your first drawing of the horse looked off to you, so you tried again. Look at that difference."

"That was a tough game. You kept passing to your teammates even when you were tired."

"You studied flashcards every night this week. That's a real plan."

When something goes badly, process language helps there too: "That approach didn't work. What could you try next time?"

Can you overdo praise?

Yes. Constant "Good job!" for everything turns into background noise, and some kids get anxious about earning it. Sincerity matters. Children can tell when praise is inflated.

Sometimes the best response isn't praise at all. Just noticing ("You finished the whole puzzle") or asking about it ("How did you figure out the corners?") gives your attention without judgment, and kids like having an interested audience more than a scoreboard.

What about praising talent in kids who really are gifted?

Talented kids may need process praise most, because things have come easily and they haven't practiced struggling. If a child is used to being "the smart one," the first truly hard class can feel like a crisis. Praise the work they put in, and let them see you struggle and learn too.

Frequently asked questions

Is it wrong to tell my child I'm proud of them?

Not at all. "I'm proud of how hard you worked" connects your pride to their effort. Kids also need to hear that you love them regardless of results.

Does praising effort mean praising effort even when the result is poor?

Praise real effort, but be honest. If the strategy isn't working, acknowledge the effort and help them think of a better plan.

What about rewards like stickers or money for grades?

Small rewards can help get a routine started, but over-reliance can reduce kids' own interest in the activity. Use them sparingly and fade them out.