Preparing your child for a new baby, and handling the jealousy after

Tell them early enough, in words they get. Keep their days boring and familiar. Then, after the baby comes, let them be jealous out loud. That's most of it. Nearly every firstborn has a rough patch, and a lot of them regress for a bit (bottles, accidents, baby talk), which usually fades over a few months.

How do I tell my child a baby is coming?

Months mean nothing to a two-year-old, so there's no point announcing a due date in March for a baby coming in October. Most parents wait until the belly is obvious and then hook the arrival to something the child already understands, like "when it's cold outside" or "a little after your birthday." Preschoolers and older kids can take in more detail and often ask where babies come from, which deserves a short, true answer.

It helps to be honest about what babies are actually like. They don't play. They cry a lot and sleep at weird times, and they take up a lot of Mom and Dad's arms. Kids who expect a playmate can feel cheated.

If a big change is coming for the older child, such as moving to a new bed or starting preschool, try to do it a couple of months before the birth, or wait until well after. That way it doesn't feel like the baby pushed them out.

Why is my child acting younger since the baby came?

Brenda Volling's 2012 review of decades of research found that firstborns commonly show more behavior problems, clinginess, sleep trouble and regression after a sibling is born, though for most children these changes ease over the following months. Regression makes sense from a child's point of view. The baby gets carried and fed and fussed over for being little. Being little starts to look like a good deal.

Go ahead and baby him a little if he asks; it's a phase, and it's cheap to meet. Later you can mention the big-kid perks he'd be giving up, like ice cream.

What do I do when my child says they hate the baby?

Don't argue with it. Kids who are told "You don't mean that, you love your sister" learn to hide the feeling, and hidden feelings have a way of coming out as a pinch when nobody's watching. Try naming it instead: "You wish she'd go back. Sharing Mommy is hard." What stays non-negotiable is hurting her.

When Judy Dunn and Carol Kendrick followed English families through the arrival of a second child, one pattern stood out. Mothers who talked to the firstborn about the baby as a little person with wants of her own ("She's crying, what do you think she needs?") tended to have children who were friendlier to the sibling months later.

How do I give my older child enough attention?

You can't give them what they had before, and that's okay. Small, protected moments matter: ten minutes of their choice of game while the baby naps, a bedtime story with the other parent that's always theirs. Ask visitors to greet the older child first. A small gift "from the baby" is an old trick, and it works on a surprising number of kids.

Frequently asked questions

Should my child visit at the hospital?

Many children like visiting if they're well and the hospital allows it. Have the baby in the bassinet rather than in your arms when they walk in, so your arms are free for them.

How long does the adjustment take?

It varies, but for most families the hardest stretch is the first few months. If your child seems very withdrawn or aggressive for longer, talk with your pediatrician.

My older child loves the baby a little too roughly. What do I do?

Show them exactly how: gentle touches on the feet, holding while sitting with a pillow. Supervise every time, and praise gentle moments.