How to tell your kids about divorce, and help them through it

Telling your kids you're separating may be one of the hardest conversations you ever have. If you can, do it together, keep it short and honest, and tell them clearly that it isn't their fault and that both of you will keep loving them. Kids do best when they know what's changing, what's staying the same, and that the fighting won't land on them. Most kids come through divorce okay, especially with steady parents and low conflict.

How do divorce and separation affect kids?

It depends a lot on how it goes. Paul Amato's 2001 meta-analysis, which pulled together studies from the 1990s, found that children of divorced parents scored a bit lower on average on things like school achievement, behavior and well-being than kids from continuously married families. But the differences were small, and plenty of kids from divorced families do just as well as anyone else.

Research also points to conflict as a big piece of the story. Kids caught in the middle of ongoing fighting tend to struggle more than kids whose parents separate and then keep things calm.

How do I tell my kids?

Plan it. Agree with your co-parent ahead of time on what you'll say, and tell all the kids together if possible, then follow up with each one. Pick a time when nobody needs to rush off. Not right before school or bedtime.

Keep it simple: "We've decided we're not going to be married anymore. We both love you, and that's never going to change. This isn't because of anything you did." Then tell them what happens next, like who will live where and when they'll see each parent. Kids care a lot about the practical stuff.

Skip the adult details, and don't blame the other parent, even if you feel like it.

How will my kid react?

Anything is normal. Tears, anger, questions, or a shrug and "Can I go play now?" Little kids might regress a bit, with clinginess or potty accidents. School-age kids sometimes hope you'll get back together or think they caused it. Teens may get angry or pull away. Let them feel what they feel, and keep the door open for more talks. It usually isn't one conversation.

How do I keep my kid out of the middle?

Don't use your child as a messenger or spy. Don't vent about your ex where they can hear. Handle schedules and money between adults, by text or an app if face-to-face gets heated. Our guide to co-parenting after separation goes deeper.

If there's abuse or violence in the home, your safety and your child's come first. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Frequently asked questions

What age is hardest for kids when parents divorce?

There's no single worst age. Each stage brings different reactions. What matters more is how much conflict kids see and how stable their routines stay.

Should we stay together for the kids?

That's a personal decision. Research suggests high-conflict marriages can be hard on kids too, and a calm separation can be better than constant fighting.

When should I get my child counseling?

If your child's sadness, anger or anxiety lasts for weeks, or they're struggling at school or with friends, a counselor who works with kids can help.