Sibling rivalry: how to handle the fighting without becoming the referee

It's 5:40 p.m., dinner isn't ready, and from the next room comes the unmistakable sound of two kids who both want the same beanbag chair. You can stop sibling fights without turning into a full-time judge. Break up anything physical or cruel straight away, then hand the problem back to them with some coaching instead of a verdict. Over time, cut down the competition underneath the fighting by avoiding comparisons and giving each child some time with you that isn't shared.

Is sibling fighting normal?

Very. Siblings share a house, a car, a bathroom and, most importantly, a parent, so friction is close to guaranteed. Developmental psychologist Judy Dunn spent years watching young siblings at home and found that their relationships hold a lot of rivalry and a lot of affection at the same time, often in the same afternoon. Conflict with a brother or sister is also where many children first practice arguing a point, reading someone else's feelings and backing down.

So zero fights isn't the target. What you're after is fewer fights where someone gets hurt, and more of them ending with some sort of deal.

When should I step in?

Hitting, kicking, throwing things and deliberately cruel remarks like "Nobody likes you" all call for you to step in immediately, and calmly separate the kids: one on the couch, one in the kitchen, until both have cooled off. Ordinary squabbles over the remote or whose turn it is can usually wait a minute, partly because some kids crank up the volume once they know a parent is coming to judge.

How do I coach instead of referee?

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's book Siblings Without Rivalry gives a rough script that a lot of families end up using. First you describe the problem without blaming anyone ("Two kids, one beanbag"). Then each child gets to tell their side and you repeat it back so they know you heard it, something like "You were sitting there first, and you think it's your turn because she had it all morning." Last, you say you trust them to work it out and you walk away.

It takes longer than handing down a ruling, at least in the beginning. With kids older than about five, it works more often than you'd expect.

Why do comparisons make it worse?

When you ask one child why she can't get ready as fast as her sister, you've told both of them they're in a race, one losing and one winning, and neither has any reason to quit racing. Labels work the same way over years. A kid known as "the responsible one" may feel he's never allowed to slip, and the one known as "the difficult one" sometimes decides he might as well play the part. Keep your comments about each child's own behavior, as in "Shoes and coat are on, now grab your backpack."

Does fair mean equal?

It can't, really, since kids don't need the same things at the same moment. Your six-year-old needs shoes this month and your eleven-year-old doesn't, and the eleven-year-old gets a later bedtime because she's eleven. When someone yells "That's not fair!" a useful answer is that in your family everyone gets what they need, and when they need something, they'll get it too.

Some one-on-one time helps more than any rule. Even fifteen minutes a few times a week, with the phone away, lowers the stakes of competing for you.

When is it more than rivalry?

If one child is consistently the target, is frightened of a sibling, or is being hurt physically or sexually, that is not rivalry. It's abuse and needs adult protection and professional help. Talk to your pediatrician or a family therapist.

Frequently asked questions

Should I make them apologize?

Forced apologies often come out sarcastic. Try asking what they could do to make it right, like getting ice for a bump or rebuilding the tower they knocked down.

What if I didn't see who started it?

You usually don't need to know. Focus on the problem in front of you and what happens next, rather than on finding the guilty party.

Do some sibling pairs fight more than others?

Yes. Temperament, age gap and family stress all play a part. Siblings who fight a lot as children can still become close as adults.