Perfectionism in kids: how to ease the pressure without lowering the bar

Picture an 11-year-old who erases the same sentence until the paper tears, then quits the whole assignment. That's perfectionism, and it's more common than it used to be. You can help by separating high standards, which are healthy, from the fear that any mistake is a disaster, which isn't. Talk about your own mistakes, praise effort and recovery more than results, and keep an eye out for signs that pressure has turned into anxiety.

Is perfectionism really increasing?

Studies suggest it is. Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill pooled data from more than 40,000 college students in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. in a 2019 meta-analysis. Across birth cohorts from 1989 to 2016, all three types of perfectionism they measured went up. The biggest rise was in "socially prescribed" perfectionism, the belief that other people expect you to be perfect and will judge you harshly if you aren't.

In a follow-up study published in 2022, the same researchers found that young people's perceptions of their parents' expectations and criticism had also risen over time, and that these perceptions were linked to perfectionism. That doesn't mean parents are to blame for everything. Schools, social media and a competitive economy all play a part. But it does suggest that what kids hear at home matters.

What's the difference between high standards and perfectionism?

A child with high standards wants to do well, works hard, feels disappointed by a bad grade and then moves on. A perfectionist child often feels that anything less than perfect is failure, and that failure says something terrible about them. Watch for things like:

• Redoing work over and over, or not starting at all for fear of doing it wrong
• Meltdowns over small mistakes
• Avoiding new activities they might not be good at
• Harsh self-talk ("I'm so stupid")
• Hiding grades or lying about results
• Physical signs of stress, like trouble sleeping or stomachaches before tests

What can parents do?

Model imperfection. Mention your own mistakes out loud, and how you handled them. "I sent that email to the wrong person today. Embarrassing. I apologized and fixed it."

Praise process. Effort, strategy, persistence and bouncing back. Carol Dweck's research on praise found that praising kids for being smart made them more likely to avoid challenges. More in our guide to praise that builds effort.

Ask about learning, not just scores. "What did you figure out today?" rather than "What did you get?"

Watch your reactions. A sigh at a B-plus says a lot. Kids notice.

Name "good enough." Help them practice it on purpose: hand in the drawing with one wobbly line, leave the bed made imperfectly. Small exposures help perfectionist kids learn that nothing terrible happens.

Protect rest. Kids who never stop working may need permission, and a schedule, that includes downtime.

When does perfectionism need professional help?

Talk to your child's doctor or a therapist if perfectionism is leading to significant anxiety, panic, depression, school avoidance, self-harm or disordered eating, or if it's taking over their life. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help children loosen perfectionistic thinking. If your child ever talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, get help right away; in the U.S., call or text 988. See our guide on teen mental health warning signs.

Frequently asked questions

Can perfectionism be good for kids?

Striving for excellence can be healthy. The problem is the fear of failure and harsh self-criticism that often come with perfectionism, which tend to hurt both performance and well-being.

My child is a perfectionist but I never pressure them. Why?

Temperament plays a role, and kids absorb pressure from school, peers and media too. Your calm, accepting response still helps.

Should I stop praising good grades?

No, you can be glad about good results. Just make sure effort, learning and character get at least as much attention.